Musings


Sitting here reminiscing over a plate of chicken fried steak and eggs, I’m amazed at how far I’ve come. Four years ago, I was scared of my own shadow. Afraid of upsetting people and hiding when I could. It’s been a long, sometimes hard journey, but despite the obstacles, I’ve come out stronger and way more confident than I ever could have dreamed. 

The anxiety I felt is subsiding. The fear is gone. And I’ve realized that if others get upset, that’s on them, not me. I am not responsible for anyone’s comfort or happiness. And on the flip side of that, no one is responsible for my happiness and comfort.

Loving every little thing about this life, this freedom. It is a truly beautiful time to be alive!

“You Have No Power Over Me!!” 


https://youtu.be/emebPH6ys

This is one of my favorite scenes in the movie, Labrinth. Sara finally realizes that she is in control, rather than being controlled.

I have felt that same feeling of empowerment lately. I have been married for more than half my life. Twice…both times, I felt as if I had no control. I’ve been single for the last four years and finally feel that I am in charge.

A couple months ago, I quit talking to the second one completely. He was still controlling me to a degree through financial assistance and guilt trips and a little fear on my part. Since he’s been gone, I’ve been able to create a bit of professional success and a lot of personal security. Is everything perfect? No, but I know I can figure things out on my own.

He called last week. I realized that for my own personal growth,  I needed to put my fear and anger behind me. So I responded to his call. He came by and things were ok. But he also figured he was back and pushed to have me help him. I refused and he immediately went to threats and then told me never to ask for anything again.

Ok…

And it was gone… any power he had over me is gone. I’m free!

Publication Finally :)


Wandering


 

IMG_4309Wandering

Wondering

Pondering

As I grow fonder

Of the wander

and I wonder

How much longer

Will I wander.

Fearless


IMG_4380

I’ve spent a lot of my life afraid…afraid of everything. Afraid of life.

A lot of that life hiding in books and daydreams.

And looking for love and acceptance

Or maybe looking for me.

Somewhere along the way I disappeared

I hid my true self and adopted the self others thought were best

Pretending to be what they wanted

And ignoring the little voice crying in my mind.

No more…

I’ve been slowly chipping away at those layers

Layers of other personalities

of other people’s versions of me

And like a chick breaking out of its shell

Stretching for freedom

I have found me.

And I refuse to hide again for anyone.

Still


In the quiet moments 

I hear your voice

Whispers of the past

Haunt my memories

Days like today

Bring back the cold

The darkness of your leaving

The tears

Wishing I could’ve said something 

Anything

To make you stay

The suddenness with which you left

The finality of that shotgun blast

Left a ragged hole

Hidden deep in my mind

Which reappears without warning

Even after twenty years and more

I miss you… still.

What to Do? What to Do?


 

Silly question really because the plans I am worrying over are all long range plans; nothing as easy as should I have chicken for dinner or go for a drive on the weekend. My dilemma is do I pursue my charter school idea or do I continue the path I am on now and buy my cabin and travel. Both ideas get me excited. I just don’t think I can do both successfully.

I love my job. Currently, I am the reading specialist and 6th grade English teacher at a charter school. I know I am making an impact in many children’s lives.  I could easily continue to do this happily for the rest of my career.

A few years ago, I was part of a team who was writing an application for a charter school. Our team spent a lot of time planning how the school would operate and going to trainings to learn the best ways of writing the application. We went to Santa Fe and defended our application. It was rejected the first time; however, we were given many ideas on how to make the application stronger for the next year. Unfortunately, before we got very far into the second application, our team fell apart. And then, my marriage fell apart. I am not sure what happened to the charter school plan as I have lost contact with the rest of the team over the years.

The idea of creating a school has stuck with me over the years. I have a plan in mind. I would like it to be a STEM school, focusing on life and earth sciences. We would have access to irrigation, so water usage, water resources, and environmental studies would be important. There would be a community garden, which would be used, in part, to feed the students in the cafeteria. I would also like to have small animals, such as chickens or rabbits. These aspects would also allow for agricultural sciences and biology. I have not started planning the application or gotten anywhere beyond the daydream stage with this, but I think it is a viable idea for a school.

I have a couple of things I need to do before I get serious about this daydream. And, interestingly, they are the same things I need to do if I don’t. I need to do my dossier to move to a level 3 teaching license in New Mexico. I am planning to do that this spring. I am four classes away from completing an administrative license and since I am so close, I should finish it. I’ve thought seriously about working on my doctorate, although that is on hold for now and not really necessary for either of my plans. Finally, and probably most importantly, I need to get the disaster which is my personal budget figured out. I am working on it but have a long way to go.

Now, for the other option, I would still want to complete all of the above. I would like to buy a cabin in the woods and a house in town. Nothing big or too expensive in either case. The advantage of this option is that I will have time to do many of the things I enjoy. I would be able to continue working on my writing and my crafty things. And I would be able to travel! By not committing myself to a large, time-consuming project, I would be able to enjoy many of the things I want to do. I would also continue to teach, so would still have the satisfaction of helping others and making an impact on my students’ lives.

I know this isn’t a decision I have to make right now. I can continue with what I am doing for now and make the choices when the time is right. And I’m sure that it would be possible to do both, it just wouldn’t be easy. It’s exciting either way!

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