Phoenix



Despite all those who said I was too much…

Too fat

Too loud

Too verbose

Too proud

And despite the pain

The heartache 

Sleepless nights

Chairs thrown across the room

Belongings destroyed

Paralyzing panic attacks

Threats

Punches

Nightmares

Fear

Fuck it. I’m done.

Never again will I make myself small for someone who can’t handle me.

Never again will I lose myself for another.

Never again will I remain silent.

I am me.

Love me or leave me

For I have risen from the ashes.

Missing You


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I miss you
Holding hands
Talking about nothing and everything
Knowing that anything said
Was just between us

Embracing me
And whispering that we were okay
Everything was going to be okay
And it was

Smiling eyes
Encouraging me to face my fears
Challenging me to move beyond
What I thought I could be

Musings


Sitting here reminiscing over a plate of chicken fried steak and eggs, I’m amazed at how far I’ve come. Four years ago, I was scared of my own shadow. Afraid of upsetting people and hiding when I could. It’s been a long, sometimes hard journey, but despite the obstacles, I’ve come out stronger and way more confident than I ever could have dreamed. 

The anxiety I felt is subsiding. The fear is gone. And I’ve realized that if others get upset, that’s on them, not me. I am not responsible for anyone’s comfort or happiness. And on the flip side of that, no one is responsible for my happiness and comfort.

Loving every little thing about this life, this freedom. It is a truly beautiful time to be alive!

“You Have No Power Over Me!!” 


https://youtu.be/emebPH6ys

This is one of my favorite scenes in the movie, Labrinth. Sara finally realizes that she is in control, rather than being controlled.

I have felt that same feeling of empowerment lately. I have been married for more than half my life. Twice…both times, I felt as if I had no control. I’ve been single for the last four years and finally feel that I am in charge.

A couple months ago, I quit talking to the second one completely. He was still controlling me to a degree through financial assistance and guilt trips and a little fear on my part. Since he’s been gone, I’ve been able to create a bit of professional success and a lot of personal security. Is everything perfect? No, but I know I can figure things out on my own.

He called last week. I realized that for my own personal growth,  I needed to put my fear and anger behind me. So I responded to his call. He came by and things were ok. But he also figured he was back and pushed to have me help him. I refused and he immediately went to threats and then told me never to ask for anything again.

Ok…

And it was gone… any power he had over me is gone. I’m free!

Linger


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Linger a little longer

Taste on my tongue

Touch on my skin

Breath in my lungs

Words in my ear

Memory in my mind

Love in my heart

Like the clouds caught atop the mountains

Waiting on the sun.

This Crazy Journey


embudo-morning

Recently, I have seen a couple of messages on social media hoping 2017 is better than 2016. While I would hope it is better, 2016 has been pretty good for me. Not in the way people usually measure success… I’m single and broke. But I have learned to work with what I have and how to live my life on my terms.

Somewhere in the past year, I found some motivation I didn’t know I had. I started out with the idea that I didn’t want to grow old as an overweight, unhealthy person. I don’t want to have medication for the looming health problems. Shoot, I don’t want to grow old at all!

So I found a wellness coach and started to change my eating habits, cutting out a lot of processed food and working (still a work in progress) on portion control. At the same time, I started walking and worked very hard to make it a part of my daily routine. When I started, I only wanted to walk on hiking trails, not in the neighborhood and I didn’t want to go to the gym at all. At some point, neighborhood walking became part of it because I don’t always have time to drive to the foothills to walk. And this last week, I added the gym back as well because there are times when I don’t feel like walking. Since the 1st of July, I have missed less than 10 days of exercise 🙂 and have lost about 25 pounds.

However, the journey isn’t just about my physical health. My brain is getting involved too. I am beginning to realize that I can take care of myself.

I finally cut an extremely toxic relationship out of my life. It was harder than it should’ve been because he was backing me up. At least I thought he was. I finally saw what many around me had already noticed… everything he did to help me had strings attached to it. So while I thought I was moving on with my life, he was still controlling parts of it. It’s been a struggle the last couple weeks just getting past that idea that I am truly doing this without that safety net.

There are a couple of people who have been extremely helpful and encouraging…hiking with me, listening to me stress, giving advice but not getting in the way of this journey I am on. For them, I am eternally grateful because without the support I don’t know if I could’ve kept moving forward. And of course, all my other friends and family who are cheering me on. Thank you for that

So 2016 has been a year of discovery for me. Not always easy but phenomenal in a lot of ways. I am rebuilding myself into someone I have always wanted to be. My plan for 2017 will be to continue the process.

Faded Blue Jeans


Some days I need a reminder
When I try too hard to fit
Someone else’s idea
Of how my life should be.

I start thinking
That I need structure
And organization
And to do what society
Considers normal

Like a pair of designer pants
With tucks and pleats
Need to be dry cleaned
Kept pressed
But damn, they look good.

A prison of my own making.

What I want…
No
What I need…
Faded blue jeans
Willing to go along
With whatever
With a wink
And fireworks.

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