Fearless


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I’ve spent a lot of my life afraid…afraid of everything. Afraid of life.

A lot of that life hiding in books and daydreams.

And looking for love and acceptance

Or maybe looking for me.

Somewhere along the way I disappeared

I hid my true self and adopted the self others thought were best

Pretending to be what they wanted

And ignoring the little voice crying in my mind.

No more…

I’ve been slowly chipping away at those layers

Layers of other personalities

of other people’s versions of me

And like a chick breaking out of its shell

Stretching for freedom

I have found me.

And I refuse to hide again for anyone.

Following my Dreams 2017


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My plans for 2017 are basically to continue the path I started in 2016

Continue to work on my health, losing weight and getting stronger

Hiking…I hope to hike the Pino Trail to the top of Sandia and possibly La Luz as well

Camping

Road trips around New Mexico to see some of what I’ve not seen. In particular, Carlsbad Caverns, White Sands, Bandalier

Possibly some out-of-state travel… out-of-the-country would be cool

Finish the novel I’m working on and get some of my writing published

Make time for some of my other hobbies

Have Fun!!!!!

Happy New Years!!!!

Colors


 

dreams

The sky is bleeding, she said.

The color draining out of it and pooling on the ground.

I just rolled my eyes.

Don’t you see the horses running in the clouds?

Get your head out of the clouds and focus.

Listen, listen, I have a great idea!

Not now I’m busy. I don’t have time for your dreams.

Hold on, don’t move so fast. My puppy can’t keep up.

We’re late, no time to wait on your imaginary puppy.

He’ll be there when we get back.

But what if he isn’t?

C’mon. If we have time I’ll buy you an ice cream.

But my puppy…

Not now.

Why are you crying over something that doesn’t even exist?

Why are you letting imagination get in the way of reality?

Grow up. You’re an adult.

You have a job to do. A life to live. People are counting on you.

But life isn’t worth living without the dreams and whimsy.

Something to put the color back into the sky, back into my life.

This Crazy Journey


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Recently, I have seen a couple of messages on social media hoping 2017 is better than 2016. While I would hope it is better, 2016 has been pretty good for me. Not in the way people usually measure success… I’m single and broke. But I have learned to work with what I have and how to live my life on my terms.

Somewhere in the past year, I found some motivation I didn’t know I had. I started out with the idea that I didn’t want to grow old as an overweight, unhealthy person. I don’t want to have medication for the looming health problems. Shoot, I don’t want to grow old at all!

So I found a wellness coach and started to change my eating habits, cutting out a lot of processed food and working (still a work in progress) on portion control. At the same time, I started walking and worked very hard to make it a part of my daily routine. When I started, I only wanted to walk on hiking trails, not in the neighborhood and I didn’t want to go to the gym at all. At some point, neighborhood walking became part of it because I don’t always have time to drive to the foothills to walk. And this last week, I added the gym back as well because there are times when I don’t feel like walking. Since the 1st of July, I have missed less than 10 days of exercise šŸ™‚ and have lost about 25 pounds.

However, the journey isn’t just about my physical health. My brain is getting involved too. I am beginning to realize that I can take care of myself.

I finally cut an extremely toxic relationship out of my life. It was harder than it should’ve been because he was backing me up. At least I thought he was. I finally saw what many around me had already noticed… everything he did to help me had strings attached to it. So while I thought I was moving on with my life, he was still controlling parts of it. It’s been a struggle the last couple weeks just getting past that idea that I am truly doing this without that safety net.

There are a couple of people who have been extremely helpful and encouraging…hiking with me, listening to me stress, giving advice but not getting in the way of this journey I am on. For them, I am eternally grateful because without the support I don’t know if I could’ve kept moving forward. And of course, all my other friends and family who are cheering me on. Thank you for that

So 2016 has been a year of discovery for me. Not always easy but phenomenal in a lot of ways. I am rebuilding myself into someone I have always wanted to be. My plan for 2017 will be to continue the process.

On Starting Over… Again!


Life is kinda funny. We grow up dreaming about living happily ever after – finding Mr. Right and getting married and everything being sunshine and roses for the rest of our lives. It doesn’t seem to work like that. In our childhood daydreams, there isn’t work to relationships; there aren’t a bazillion other pressures on our lives. And we never really know ourselves, much less anyone else, until we have been tempered by those pressures.

I’ve been married and divorced twice. No fault or blame, just an inability to weather the storm that is life together. I have moved, for the most part, past the blame and forgiven my exes and myself. What I am finding is a strength I didn’t know I possessed and an appreciation for my own company and talents.

I was 19 when I met my first husband with no real knowledge of life. I had lived at home other than three semesters of college. My parents paid for everything and I had NO clue whatsoever on what was needed to run a household. My husband was also young and also inexperienced. We worked, raised children, and lived our lives; happier in the beginning. Twenty-two years and three children later, it was over.

I still was fairly clueless on how to take care of myself. I spent the year and a half I was single angry at my ex and looking for Mr. Right. I never really looked at what I could do to make myself happy and never really learned to take care of myself. I figured I would find him and he would take care of me.

My second husband was good for me in a lot of ways. He really is into the idea of independence and I learned a lot of skills which I am using now. I learned a lot about myself in the six years we were together. Unfortunately for our marriage, I learned independence too well.

When he left, I worked really hard to hold onto the house that we had bought. It was the family home I had always dreamed of, decorated in a way I loved and held a lot of wonderful family memories. However, it was not right for me as a single and mostly alone person. It was too big, too expensive and really needed a lot of work. Finally, after a lot of thought, I decided to move on.

I have spent a lot of time over the last couple of years learning to enjoy myself and developing interests that are all about me. Moving away from the house has brought a renewed sense of freedom and a resolve to live my life for me instead of for everyone else. My new little house is more suited to what I need. I am learning to love and trust myself finally. At almost 50, maybe I have it somewhat figured out! LOL!

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