It’s that time again…time to say goodbye to the old year and hello to the new. I don’t really do resolutions, but I do like to look at where I’ve been and where I’m going.
2017 was an interesting year. A lot of fabulous highs and some lows. I’ve lost several people who were once very influential in my life and found others who I hope will become very important to me.
Professionally, this has been one of the best years ever. I completed and self-published my first novel. I obtained my level 3 teaching licensure in the spring. Right at the end of the year, I was licensed to teach high school as well. I will be teaching middle and high school New Mexico history beginning in January.
I did walk away from a couple of toxic relationships this year…people I should have separated from much sooner. My first husband passed away in April. He and I had not been close in many years but he was the father of my children and we had been married for close to 20 years. These losses caused me anxiety and depression through a lot of the year.
This really affected my hiking. I had challenged myself to hike 1000 miles at the start of the year. Instead, I hiked just over 100 miles. I did push myself to go longer distances when I did go…several times I went further than 5 miles. I am going to continue to work toward my hike to the top of Sandia and to get closer to that 1000 mile mark in the coming year.
I did a little travelling this year. The highlight was my trip to New York and Washington D.C. over Thanksgiving. So. Much. Fun! I also went to Taos in the spring and Santa Fe a couple of times. I do plan to travel more in 2018.
Most of all, 2017 was a year of growth and change. I do not feel that I am the same person that I was at the beginning of the year.I am stronger and much more confident.
I am looking forward to continued growth in 2018. I have a new sparkly relationship. My teaching career is heading in a new direction. The second novel and the cookbook are coming together. And I have a mountain to climb! I’m very excited about the new possibilities 😊
Look to the east
It’s the dawn of a new day
All brand new and shiny and full of promise
Reflecting warmth and color
Bringing daydreams to life
Rays of sunlight
Reaching for Earth
Christening the morn with hope and happiness
For one heart-stopping moment
All possibility seems tangible
As sunlight dances with clouds
Then the sun peeks over the horizon
Stores her beauty for another morning
While radiantly warming our world.
Sometimes I feel my life is a lot like one of those football plays where the ball is fumbled and then slips through the hands of the players trying to pick it up and then gets kicked and then pops out from between the players trying to pick it up until it lands out of bounds.
Just when I feel like I’m getting a handle on things, it slips away and bounces off in a different direction. And it doesn’t help when the missteps are the same damn things I have been doing since I was a kid. Once, just once… I’d love for things to come out of my mouth as cool as they sound in my head.
I guess I’m still that awkward weird little kid in the back of the room.
Dark, cold and unrelenting
Fear, curling through the darkness like a fog
Panic, bubbling up and boiling over
Can’t see, can’t scream, can’t run
All the pain that adults can inflict on the young comes back in dreams.
Somehow the lock on the box is gone
The demons are loose creating havoc
On the unsuspecting, unaware of the forgotten hell
That reveals itself in the dark of night.
Is this a memory or just the product of an overactive imagination?
And the better question…
How do we get the monsters back into the box.
Despite all those who said I was too much…
And despite the pain
Chairs thrown across the room
Paralyzing panic attacks
Fuck it. I’m done.
Never again will I make myself small for someone who can’t handle me.
Never again will I lose myself for another.
Never again will I remain silent.
I am me.
Love me or leave me
For I have risen from the ashes.
I miss you
Talking about nothing and everything
Knowing that anything said
Was just between us
And whispering that we were okay
Everything was going to be okay
And it was
Encouraging me to face my fears
Challenging me to move beyond
What I thought I could be
Sitting here reminiscing over a plate of chicken fried steak and eggs, I’m amazed at how far I’ve come. Four years ago, I was scared of my own shadow. Afraid of upsetting people and hiding when I could. It’s been a long, sometimes hard journey, but despite the obstacles, I’ve come out stronger and way more confident than I ever could have dreamed.
The anxiety I felt is subsiding. The fear is gone. And I’ve realized that if others get upset, that’s on them, not me. I am not responsible for anyone’s comfort or happiness. And on the flip side of that, no one is responsible for my happiness and comfort.
Loving every little thing about this life, this freedom. It is a truly beautiful time to be alive!
This is one of my favorite scenes in the movie, Labrinth. Sara finally realizes that she is in control, rather than being controlled.
I have felt that same feeling of empowerment lately. I have been married for more than half my life. Twice…both times, I felt as if I had no control. I’ve been single for the last four years and finally feel that I am in charge.
A couple months ago, I quit talking to the second one completely. He was still controlling me to a degree through financial assistance and guilt trips and a little fear on my part. Since he’s been gone, I’ve been able to create a bit of professional success and a lot of personal security. Is everything perfect? No, but I know I can figure things out on my own.
He called last week. I realized that for my own personal growth, I needed to put my fear and anger behind me. So I responded to his call. He came by and things were ok. But he also figured he was back and pushed to have me help him. I refused and he immediately went to threats and then told me never to ask for anything again.
And it was gone… any power he had over me is gone. I’m free!