Sunrise


clouds

Look to the east
It’s the dawn of a new day
All brand new and shiny and full of promise

Clouds
Reflecting warmth and color
Bringing daydreams to life

Rays of sunlight
Reaching for Earth
Christening the morn with hope and happiness

For one heart-stopping moment
All possibility seems tangible
As sunlight dances with clouds

Then the sun peeks over the horizon
Stores her beauty for another morning
While radiantly warming our world.

Fumbling Through Life


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Sometimes I feel my life is a lot like one of those football plays where the ball is fumbled and then slips through the hands of the players trying to pick it up and then gets kicked and then pops out from between the players trying to pick it up until it lands out of bounds.

Just when I feel like I’m getting a handle on things, it slips away and bounces off in a different direction. And it doesn’t help when the missteps are the same damn things I have been doing since I was a kid. Once, just once… I’d love for things to come out of my mouth as cool as they sound in my head.

I guess I’m still that awkward weird little kid in the back of the room.

Monsters


Dark, cold and unrelenting

Fear, curling through the darkness like a fog

Panic, bubbling up and boiling over

Can’t see, can’t scream, can’t run

All the pain that adults can inflict on the young comes back in dreams.

Somehow the lock on the box is gone

The demons are loose creating havoc

On the unsuspecting, unaware of the forgotten hell 

That reveals itself in the dark of night.

Is this a memory or just the product of an overactive imagination?

And the better question…

How do we get the monsters back into the box.

Phoenix



Despite all those who said I was too much…

Too fat

Too loud

Too verbose

Too proud

And despite the pain

The heartache 

Sleepless nights

Chairs thrown across the room

Belongings destroyed

Paralyzing panic attacks

Threats

Punches

Nightmares

Fear

Fuck it. I’m done.

Never again will I make myself small for someone who can’t handle me.

Never again will I lose myself for another.

Never again will I remain silent.

I am me.

Love me or leave me

For I have risen from the ashes.

Missing You


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I miss you
Holding hands
Talking about nothing and everything
Knowing that anything said
Was just between us

Embracing me
And whispering that we were okay
Everything was going to be okay
And it was

Smiling eyes
Encouraging me to face my fears
Challenging me to move beyond
What I thought I could be

Musings


Sitting here reminiscing over a plate of chicken fried steak and eggs, I’m amazed at how far I’ve come. Four years ago, I was scared of my own shadow. Afraid of upsetting people and hiding when I could. It’s been a long, sometimes hard journey, but despite the obstacles, I’ve come out stronger and way more confident than I ever could have dreamed. 

The anxiety I felt is subsiding. The fear is gone. And I’ve realized that if others get upset, that’s on them, not me. I am not responsible for anyone’s comfort or happiness. And on the flip side of that, no one is responsible for my happiness and comfort.

Loving every little thing about this life, this freedom. It is a truly beautiful time to be alive!

“You Have No Power Over Me!!” 


https://youtu.be/emebPH6ys

This is one of my favorite scenes in the movie, Labrinth. Sara finally realizes that she is in control, rather than being controlled.

I have felt that same feeling of empowerment lately. I have been married for more than half my life. Twice…both times, I felt as if I had no control. I’ve been single for the last four years and finally feel that I am in charge.

A couple months ago, I quit talking to the second one completely. He was still controlling me to a degree through financial assistance and guilt trips and a little fear on my part. Since he’s been gone, I’ve been able to create a bit of professional success and a lot of personal security. Is everything perfect? No, but I know I can figure things out on my own.

He called last week. I realized that for my own personal growth,  I needed to put my fear and anger behind me. So I responded to his call. He came by and things were ok. But he also figured he was back and pushed to have me help him. I refused and he immediately went to threats and then told me never to ask for anything again.

Ok…

And it was gone… any power he had over me is gone. I’m free!

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