Sitting here reminiscing over a plate of chicken fried steak and eggs, I’m amazed at how far I’ve come. Four years ago, I was scared of my own shadow. Afraid of upsetting people and hiding when I could. It’s been a long, sometimes hard journey, but despite the obstacles, I’ve come out stronger and way more confident than I ever could have dreamed.
The anxiety I felt is subsiding. The fear is gone. And I’ve realized that if others get upset, that’s on them, not me. I am not responsible for anyone’s comfort or happiness. And on the flip side of that, no one is responsible for my happiness and comfort.
Loving every little thing about this life, this freedom. It is a truly beautiful time to be alive!
This is one of my favorite scenes in the movie, Labrinth. Sara finally realizes that she is in control, rather than being controlled.
I have felt that same feeling of empowerment lately. I have been married for more than half my life. Twice…both times, I felt as if I had no control. I’ve been single for the last four years and finally feel that I am in charge.
A couple months ago, I quit talking to the second one completely. He was still controlling me to a degree through financial assistance and guilt trips and a little fear on my part. Since he’s been gone, I’ve been able to create a bit of professional success and a lot of personal security. Is everything perfect? No, but I know I can figure things out on my own.
He called last week. I realized that for my own personal growth, I needed to put my fear and anger behind me. So I responded to his call. He came by and things were ok. But he also figured he was back and pushed to have me help him. I refused and he immediately went to threats and then told me never to ask for anything again.
And it was gone… any power he had over me is gone. I’m free!
I’ve spent a lot of my life afraid…afraid of everything. Afraid of life.
A lot of that life hiding in books and daydreams.
And looking for love and acceptance
Or maybe looking for me.
Somewhere along the way I disappeared
I hid my true self and adopted the self others thought were best
Pretending to be what they wanted
And ignoring the little voice crying in my mind.
I’ve been slowly chipping away at those layers
Layers of other personalities
of other people’s versions of me
And like a chick breaking out of its shell
Stretching for freedom
I have found me.
And I refuse to hide again for anyone.