Life is kinda funny. We grow up dreaming about living happily ever after – finding Mr. Right and getting married and everything being sunshine and roses for the rest of our lives. It doesn’t seem to work like that. In our childhood daydreams, there isn’t work to relationships; there aren’t a bazillion other pressures on our lives. And we never really know ourselves, much less anyone else, until we have been tempered by those pressures.
I’ve been married and divorced twice. No fault or blame, just an inability to weather the storm that is life together. I have moved, for the most part, past the blame and forgiven my exes and myself. What I am finding is a strength I didn’t know I possessed and an appreciation for my own company and talents.
I was 19 when I met my first husband with no real knowledge of life. I had lived at home other than three semesters of college. My parents paid for everything and I had NO clue whatsoever on what was needed to run a household. My husband was also young and also inexperienced. We worked, raised children, and lived our lives; happier in the beginning. Twenty-two years and three children later, it was over.
I still was fairly clueless on how to take care of myself. I spent the year and a half I was single angry at my ex and looking for Mr. Right. I never really looked at what I could do to make myself happy and never really learned to take care of myself. I figured I would find him and he would take care of me.
My second husband was good for me in a lot of ways. He really is into the idea of independence and I learned a lot of skills which I am using now. I learned a lot about myself in the six years we were together. Unfortunately for our marriage, I learned independence too well.
When he left, I worked really hard to hold onto the house that we had bought. It was the family home I had always dreamed of, decorated in a way I loved and held a lot of wonderful family memories. However, it was not right for me as a single and mostly alone person. It was too big, too expensive and really needed a lot of work. Finally, after a lot of thought, I decided to move on.
I have spent a lot of time over the last couple of years learning to enjoy myself and developing interests that are all about me. Moving away from the house has brought a renewed sense of freedom and a resolve to live my life for me instead of for everyone else. My new little house is more suited to what I need. I am learning to love and trust myself finally. At almost 50, maybe I have it somewhat figured out! LOL!