Colors


 

dreams

The sky is bleeding, she said.

The color draining out of it and pooling on the ground.

I just rolled my eyes.

Don’t you see the horses running in the clouds?

Get your head out of the clouds and focus.

Listen, listen, I have a great idea!

Not now I’m busy. I don’t have time for your dreams.

Hold on, don’t move so fast. My puppy can’t keep up.

We’re late, no time to wait on your imaginary puppy.

He’ll be there when we get back.

But what if he isn’t?

C’mon. If we have time I’ll buy you an ice cream.

But my puppy…

Not now.

Why are you crying over something that doesn’t even exist?

Why are you letting imagination get in the way of reality?

Grow up. You’re an adult.

You have a job to do. A life to live. People are counting on you.

But life isn’t worth living without the dreams and whimsy.

Something to put the color back into the sky, back into my life.

Still


In the quiet moments 

I hear your voice

Whispers of the past

Haunt my memories

Days like today

Bring back the cold

The darkness of your leaving

The tears

Wishing I could’ve said something 

Anything

To make you stay

The suddenness with which you left

The finality of that shotgun blast

Left a ragged hole

Hidden deep in my mind

Which reappears without warning

Even after twenty years and more

I miss you… still.

Kiera’s Song


stone-cottage

A shadow darkened the already dimly lit forest. Kiera could hear the dragon’s roar and knew that her grandmother would need the herbs she was picking very soon. Every time the dragon attacked, people came from the village for healing potions. The dragon had distracted the village elders from the witch hunt they were organizing. Healers from all around the land had been in hiding from the elders for months. Kiera’s mother and aunts were caught and taken away to the castle. No one had heard news of them, so there was a chance they could be alive.

She could smell the dragon fire. It must be close. Kiera picked a few more herbs and put them in her basket. Suddenly, she heard yelling from the meadow and realized that the King’s men were close. She turned and ran back down the path to her grandmother’s cabin.

Behind her, she could hear a loud commotion but she didn’t stop until she got home. Breathlessly, she came into the cabin and put the basket on her grandmother’s workbench.

“The king’s men are in the meadow. I think they are fighting the dragon, but they are very close!”

Her grandmother turned quickly. “Let’s go, child. Even if it’s the dragon they are after, we cannot take the chance they will find us!”

They gathered the herbs from the workbench into a basket, put on their cloaks and went out the door. Following a faint path behind the cabin, they went into the darkest part of the forest. Kiera kept close to her grandmother, not wanting to get lost in the dark or spirited away by the ghosts. They walked quickly and quietly until they reached the tiny stone hut where her grandmother’s grandmother had been born. This part of the forest never saw the sun, so she didn’t see the hut until her grandmother stopped.

The hut was musty. Her grandmother lit a candle. In one corner, the roof had collapsed and there was mold growing down the stone wall. Along one wall were the stone benches which served as seating and as beds. A large fireplace took up the back wall. Her grandmother went to the fireplace and lit a meager peat fire. The rest of the hut was dedicated to herbology: a large work bench and a cabinet which held crocks and tools.

Kiera set her basket down on the workbench and then got the bucket. The stream was only twelve steps from the door. She went out and rinsed the bucket and then filled it with cold, clear water. When she returned, she poured half of the water into the pitcher on the workbench. Then she used the remaining water to rinse off the benches, the small table and the workbench. Meanwhile, her grandmother was warming the stew she had brought from the cabin.

 

This Crazy Journey


embudo-morning

Recently, I have seen a couple of messages on social media hoping 2017 is better than 2016. While I would hope it is better, 2016 has been pretty good for me. Not in the way people usually measure success… I’m single and broke. But I have learned to work with what I have and how to live my life on my terms.

Somewhere in the past year, I found some motivation I didn’t know I had. I started out with the idea that I didn’t want to grow old as an overweight, unhealthy person. I don’t want to have medication for the looming health problems. Shoot, I don’t want to grow old at all!

So I found a wellness coach and started to change my eating habits, cutting out a lot of processed food and working (still a work in progress) on portion control. At the same time, I started walking and worked very hard to make it a part of my daily routine. When I started, I only wanted to walk on hiking trails, not in the neighborhood and I didn’t want to go to the gym at all. At some point, neighborhood walking became part of it because I don’t always have time to drive to the foothills to walk. And this last week, I added the gym back as well because there are times when I don’t feel like walking. Since the 1st of July, I have missed less than 10 days of exercise🙂 and have lost about 25 pounds.

However, the journey isn’t just about my physical health. My brain is getting involved too. I am beginning to realize that I can take care of myself.

I finally cut an extremely toxic relationship out of my life. It was harder than it should’ve been because he was backing me up. At least I thought he was. I finally saw what many around me had already noticed… everything he did to help me had strings attached to it. So while I thought I was moving on with my life, he was still controlling parts of it. It’s been a struggle the last couple weeks just getting past that idea that I am truly doing this without that safety net.

There are a couple of people who have been extremely helpful and encouraging…hiking with me, listening to me stress, giving advice but not getting in the way of this journey I am on. For them, I am eternally grateful because without the support I don’t know if I could’ve kept moving forward. And of course, all my other friends and family who are cheering me on. Thank you for that

So 2016 has been a year of discovery for me. Not always easy but phenomenal in a lot of ways. I am rebuilding myself into someone I have always wanted to be. My plan for 2017 will be to continue the process.

Lost


Sandia Snow

 

Lost

In my head

In my dreams

Unsure where to go

Which way to turn

Tangled

In forgotten memories

In a sea of emotions

Twisted up by thoughts

Of what could have been

Of what should have been

Wishing my mind could

Let go of expectations

And just relax

And trust that all is unfolding as it should.wp-1456170947267.jpg

Challenge


Embudo

Rounding the path
Seeking for that elusive something
Always hiding around the next bend
Scrambling over rocks
Skipping over streams
Hoping
Wishing
Longing for a hint of freedom
Carried in the breeze
A feeling of accomplishment
As the trail becomes easier
Less scary
Determination fueling need
The need to do more, be more
To prove something to yourself

Giving Myself Permission


One of the interesting side-developments of this fitness journey is that I am taking on a lot of different aspects of myself. This is not just about losing weight or living a healthy lifestyle. I am finding that I am tackling some healing that needs to happen, and some things I have spent my life fighting.

I started this post thinking about dinner tonight. I have never really gotten the hang of cooking for one. I always cook too much and I tend to eat it all. Which doesn’t jive with the lifestyle I am trying to create for myself. I have to learn to eat less and healthier. I am working on changing food choices, but amounts are still challenging me. So I need to learn to give myself permission to save some for later.

I need to learn to give myself permission.

I am in charge of my life. No need to look to anyone else for permission. I’m it. No one to save me, no safety net. Pretty powerful stuff for someone who has spent her life following the lead of whoever was in charge.

No more walking on eggshells, waiting for the explosion. No more keeping my mouth shut for safety sake, even though I knew what needed to be said. No more dancing around, skirting the issue to keep the peace.

It’s somewhat scary not being scared.

Now, though, I have to learn to do some of those things that I have never really had to worry about. Money management…which I am not particularly good at. Time management…which I can do if I have a goal. And this fitness journey.

I need to give myself permission to succeed.

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