On Being Grandma :)

When I was a kid, one of my favorite things was going to see Grandma. Actually both of my Grandma’s houses were wonderful places to be. They were both phenomenal cooks, had fun houses to play at, and always made us feel loved and welcomed. One of the things that I thought as I became Grandma was that I wanted to be THAT Grandma to my lil munchkins! I have five grandchildren with the sixth on his way in May: five little boys and my sweet lil Lina. They bring me so much joy. Vinny and Tyrone are getting old enough to have real conversations. Vinny and I have baked together…he is a great kitchen helper. Tyrone has this biggest imagination and LOVES to share it with everyone who will listen. Avery loves numbers and letters. He climbs up into my lap to look at the computer. Alina is my little love. She loves to be cuddled and held. It’s been so much fun to watch them all grow into little individuals! When Vinny comes running around the house calling my name… when Tyrone gets excited that he is coming home with Grandma after school… when Avery sneaks into my chair and gives me that sweet smile when I see him there… when Lina comes up to get her snuggles and kisses… when lil Eli sleeps snuggled up next to me I feel so very privileged to be a part of their lives and I know they love being with me as well. We are building memories that will stay with them forever:)

On Starting Over… Again!

Life is kinda funny. We grow up dreaming about living happily ever after – finding Mr. Right and getting married and everything being sunshine and roses for the rest of our lives. It doesn’t seem to work like that. In our childhood daydreams, there isn’t work to relationships; there aren’t a bazillion other pressures on our lives. And we never really know ourselves, much less anyone else, until we have been tempered by those pressures.

I’ve been married and divorced twice. No fault or blame, just an inability to weather the storm that is life together. I have moved, for the most part, past the blame and forgiven my exes and myself. What I am finding is a strength I didn’t know I possessed and an appreciation for my own company and talents.

I was 19 when I met my first husband with no real knowledge of life. I had lived at home other than three semesters of college. My parents paid for everything and I had NO clue whatsoever on what was needed to run a household. My husband was also young and also inexperienced. We worked, raised children, and lived our lives; happier in the beginning. Twenty-two years and three children later, it was over.

I still was fairly clueless on how to take care of myself. I spent the year and a half I was single angry at my ex and looking for Mr. Right. I never really looked at what I could do to make myself happy and never really learned to take care of myself. I figured I would find him and he would take care of me.

My second husband was good for me in a lot of ways. He really is into the idea of independence and I learned a lot of skills which I am using now. I learned a lot about myself in the six years we were together. Unfortunately for our marriage, I learned independence too well.

When he left, I worked really hard to hold onto the house that we had bought. It was the family home I had always dreamed of, decorated in a way I loved and held a lot of wonderful family memories. However, it was not right for me as a single and mostly alone person. It was too big, too expensive and really needed a lot of work. Finally, after a lot of thought, I decided to move on.

I have spent a lot of time over the last couple of years learning to enjoy myself and developing interests that are all about me. Moving away from the house has brought a renewed sense of freedom and a resolve to live my life for me instead of for everyone else. My new little house is more suited to what I need. I am learning to love and trust myself finally. At almost 50, maybe I have it somewhat figured out! LOL!

Instruments

coffeequilter:

So beautiful!

Originally posted on redgladiola:

Laughing flutes and violins that cry
Why do we find music beautiful?
Because can we see ourselves in it

View original

Just Out of Reach

Have you ever wanted something

So badly

So deeply

Intensely

Only to know that it’s just out of reach.

Knowing that even if attainment

Could be found

There no guarantee

That it would be what you want

What you need

Aware that there are others

Who have a stake

And who could be hurt

Including your own heart

Your own mind.

Trying not to dream

Not to think

Of the possibilities

The longing

The need

Dangling just out of reach.

Train Travelin’

Very few things capture the imagination like trains. How many of us have dreamed of hopping a train to points unknown. Woody Guthrie and Merle Haggard rode the rails. Songs like “City of New Orleans”, “Orange Blossom Special” and “Rock Island Line” and many many others perpetuate the dream. Paul Theroux wrote of his adventures traveling through Europe and Asia by train. 

 

For me, the allure of the train has always been the travel. Going somewhere, anywhere is an exciting notion to me. Trains have the added benefit of just being cool. The rhythmic motion and sounds as it passes fire up my imagination. Grabbing hold and swinging into a boxcar, standing at the open door, feeling the wind in my hair and the rails beneath my feet… 

I know the realities are not as romantic as they seem. I have seen photographic images of hobos, both from Woody Guthrie’s days and modern day. Not a pretty image at all. 

 

 

But to quote Dierks Bentley in his song, “Train Travelin'”

“Am I a fool to think it glamorous
Box-carrin’ like a hobo, it must have been rough
But a simpler way of life is what it really means to me
When we weren’t so dependent on money to be free”

 

I realize I am not the only one to find trains fascinating. They are a window to the past as well as an awaiting adventure. 

 

On the Wings of an Eagle

On the Wings of an Eagle

 

Catching a hold of a bit of wild

The wing of an eagle

Who carries me, unbidden

Farther than I have ever been

Circling over majestic mountaintops

Higher and higher

Into azure so sharp, tears spring to my eyes

Spiraling, passion swirling

Soaring on the currents

His strength bearing me

Protecting me, caressing me

Carrying me to his treetop aerie

Released

Back I lay

Eyes wide open

Sightless, soundless, boneless

Outstretched, reaching for a piece of heaven

North from the I-40 Bridge

 

 

North from the I-40 Bridge

 

Looking north

Feeling the air against my face

Wintry whispers wishing for snow

Which we won’t see…

Just smell it in the wind.

 

Cottonwoods, reaching their bare arms into the sky

Dark against the sharp blue

Here and there

The signs of the big bosque fire from a few summers ago

Darkened trees, never to grow again

Stand sentinel in eerie reminder.

 

Looking further

To the mountains

Dark blue standing in sharp profile to the clear azure sky.

Brightly colored balloons fill the sky

Declaring their freedom from earthly bounds

With a rush of burners.

 

With a sigh

I return to my car

To civilization.